Karma's A Bitch.

When you give someone absolutely everything you have  and you realize they’ve lied to you for months, what do you do? It so easy to be angry. It’s so easy to resent the person and want nothing to do with them. But at the same time, it’s so difficult because you can’t picture your life without them. 

I made the decision to forgive. Forgiving is easy, it’s the forgetting part that’s hard. I made the decision within myself to forget about everything. I’ve carried this grudge with me for so long, and it’s been controlling me. 

                              ”What angers you, controls you.”

The trust that I spent almost 3 years building wasn’t perfect to begin with. It had its own rips and tears even before this, but I managed to get passed it. But this… this is different. I don’t think I’ve ever been wronged this way before. For years you put your trust in someone and they lie to your face right up until the moment you confront them and prove that you know they were lying. You even give them chances to come clean beforehand and they’re too stubborn with an ego too big to admit their feat before you reveal that you’re not bluffing. The best (or worst) part about it is that they don’t even think twice about it once confronted. Not a sliver of guilt coats their conscience. Not an ounce of regret runs through their veins.. Not that their ego will allow you to know anyways.

I won’t pretend though, he’s not the only one that made a mistake though. I fucked up too. I logged onto his Facebook account and read inbox messages that my gut feeling told me were there. I just knew it. Things didn’t add up.. Why would this girl comment all over every second status you posted if you simply ignored her flat out when she tried to reach out and become your friend again? She wouldn’t. You know how I knew? 

          “Nobody knows a woman better than a woman does.”

Of course I know how women are, I am one. I feel so much regret for betraying him and reading those messages, but who the fuck was he to lie to me for so long? I would not be able to sleep at night knowing I was lying to him day after day.. How did he do it? That’s why I’m convinced that he doesn’t care like I do.  

“The power in a relationship lies with the person who cares the least”

 I was always told to never trust anyone more than you trust yourself. And I am and also am not glad that I followed that advice. This time, I listened to my gut feeling.. It was right. But because I did, I put myself through gruelling hours of trying to piece my relationship back together. It was difficult. I can’t give up on it though. I’m way too emotionally invested in what I have. I never knew I could have so much with another person. Before this, I never depended on anyone (not even my parents) as much as I depend on him; I don’t know if he knows that. And as much as I tell him, I always trusted him. I just never trusted her…. I knew they had history and it always made me uncomfortable when she’d sneak back into his life.

All this time I thought it was her that wanted to be in his life, but I found out the truth about everything today. Every elaborate lie came to light. The truth catches up, it always does. I found out that he, too, had some prying interest for their friendship. 

I vocalized my concern about this Facebook friendship and I was greeted by a brick wall that I ran face-first into. I was told that I was “stupid”, “ridiculous” and he even went to say that I was “jealous of her and simply wanted to BE her”. I was crying hysterically on the phone and I got put down and yelled at. This played on my insecurities and he only made me feel increasingly needy because this mattered to me.

I woke up to a message the next day saying that he had not answered her and had no intention to talk to her what so ever….. He also said that she was his past and I was his future (a carefully worded cute-morning message to sugar coat the next three months of dishonesty..)

“Men often underestimate the ability of a woman to find things out”

I’m a fan of karma, and things definitely caught up with him like they were bound to. The worst part of it is, I came out of that four hour long conversation feeling like I was the bad guy. Like I had betrayed him so severely by going onto his Facebook that his 3-4 months of betrayal were insignificant. Yeah right.

I seen things in those Facebook messages that I wish I didn’t see… I can deal with them being friends, but I knew there was something to hide if he had lied so profusely. In the very first message I read, he went out of his way to inbox message her and let her know that her picture was “jaw-dropping”. The worst part is, I don’t even get compliments like that. I gotta’ face it, maybe I’ll never measure up. There’s always a prettier, smarter, more beautiful girl out there..

However, I realize that I absolutely cannot continue to live my life this way. I can’t continue to be angry at her, or even him for lying to me. If I want my relationship to survive, I have to put this behind me. I can’t live every single day with this pit of hate in my stomach for both him and her. Granted, there have been times that if I had the opportunity I would gladly have squared off with this girl.. Now however, I feel like I have to let that go. Not for her sake, but for my own. 

I need this relationship in my life. For 3 years I have counted on this man. I rely on him. He keeps me in check when I need it, listens to me when I need it, and helps me wherever he can. Most importantly, he’s the first and last person that I talk to every single day. He’s the first person I share my achievements with and the only person’s opinion I value other than my own. I’m not ready to give that up.. Especially over some Facebook friendship. 

I’m not ready to walk away from something that has the potential to be one of the best things that’s happened to me in my life thus far. 

So from now on, everything that happened before 7:30pm on May 16th 2012 has been forgotten. I made the commitment (to both of us) to let go of it all. Unfortunately, this decision wasn’t as easy for him. I’m still in the doghouse. He feels he can’t trust me with any passwords of any sort and that he’s inclined to guard his phone like a security officer patrolling a bank. I made this promise on the condition that we can be fully honest with each other. Completely, transparently honest.  If I want to move forward I can’t keep taking steps in the other direction. Whether or not he makes the same decisions will be on his own accord. But at least if this doesn’t work after all of this, I can look myself in the mirror and honestly tell myself that I tried. I’m not perfect, but I put every ounce of my spirit and dedication into this relationship in order to fight for what we do have. 

I refuse to passively watch something we both worked so hard for fall apart in front of my own two eyes…

                                   So I deleted my Facebook account.